RIP GRANDMA

I can't sleep, but I have cigarettes and new music so I think I'm fine. How does one fix a sleeping schedule? All the adderall and Target brand sleeping pills is fucking with my head.

My grandma died last night. She died peacefully and painlessly in her sleep. When my grandpa found out, he fainted. When I found out, I thought about my grandpa. I thought about how every Valentines Day they spent together, he would buy her a teddy bear of some sort and write a letter proclaiming his undying love. Their relationship was and is what I consider to be love. My heart aches for my grandpa. I wish I could be there with him now. I wish I could have talked to my grandma one last time.

Earlier today, I couldn't help but wonder what her last thought was before going to bed. She's been bedridden for about 7 years, but  she will always be the strong passionate woman who went to mass every Sunday morning, a woman who perfectly styled her outfits with her signature red lipstick, a woman who loved everyone and forgave them for their trespasses all the same.

Death is such a strange event in that, even though I don't believe in God, it still comforts me to knew she believed in a heaven and all that. My sobbing aunt kept repeating "She's with your papa now" and I sort of believe that. Not really. But who knows. My mom told me to pray tonight, and I think I just might. Who should I address my prayers to? God? Odin? Hades? Shiva? It doesn't matter. She isn't suffering anymore and that's all that matters.

I wish I could talk to her now. I want to tell her I appreciated everything she's ever done for me. I want her to know her compassion, her patience, her love wasn't wasted. I want her to know that everything's fine.

When I last spoke to her I had to yell into the phone since she lost most of her hearing. I think she knew she was dying soon. Her last words to me before we said our goodbyes were "Love everybody ok?" It was her time and she knew. She was the wisest person I've ever known and not a day goes by that I don't think about my grandma. I love her. And she knew.

RIP Florencia Soriano Meneses