RIP GRANDMA

I can't sleep, but I have cigarettes and new music so I think I'm fine. How does one fix a sleeping schedule? All the adderall and Target brand sleeping pills is fucking with my head.

My grandma died last night. She died peacefully and painlessly in her sleep. When my grandpa found out, he fainted. When I found out, I thought about my grandpa. I thought about how every Valentines Day they spent together, he would buy her a teddy bear of some sort and write a letter proclaiming his undying love. Their relationship was and is what I consider to be love. My heart aches for my grandpa. I wish I could be there with him now. I wish I could have talked to my grandma one last time.

Earlier today, I couldn't help but wonder what her last thought was before going to bed. She's been bedridden for about 7 years, but  she will always be the strong passionate woman who went to mass every Sunday morning, a woman who perfectly styled her outfits with her signature red lipstick, a woman who loved everyone and forgave them for their trespasses all the same.

Death is such a strange event in that, even though I don't believe in God, it still comforts me to knew she believed in a heaven and all that. My sobbing aunt kept repeating "She's with your papa now" and I sort of believe that. Not really. But who knows. My mom told me to pray tonight, and I think I just might. Who should I address my prayers to? God? Odin? Hades? Shiva? It doesn't matter. She isn't suffering anymore and that's all that matters.

I wish I could talk to her now. I want to tell her I appreciated everything she's ever done for me. I want her to know her compassion, her patience, her love wasn't wasted. I want her to know that everything's fine.

When I last spoke to her I had to yell into the phone since she lost most of her hearing. I think she knew she was dying soon. Her last words to me before we said our goodbyes were "Love everybody ok?" It was her time and she knew. She was the wisest person I've ever known and not a day goes by that I don't think about my grandma. I love her. And she knew.

RIP Florencia Soriano Meneses

I like that. I like that. I like that.

My life feels so inconsistent. I don't even know what to feel at this point. Love life is officially dead as of today's realization. I'm on a jobhunt that, at this point, feels like a job in of itself. I haven't registered for classes yet (and to be completely honest, my mind feels mushy. It might be the drugs flushing out of my system though) I want to start taking pictures again. I want a job that I actually wouldn't mind. I want a social life that involves me not hating myself for going out. Everything about me is contradictory. I want to feel consistent. Always in a god damned rut and I truly believe the whole "The only person person stopping you from being the person you want to be is you" or whatever, but I can't help it. I'm just being me. Not to say things are looking up though. At least I'm trying. At least I'm pushing on.

4:40 AM

Took the semester off to focus on what I want to do with my life, to work as many hours as possible, and to volunteer. I do miss school, to be honest. But

First, figure out where I want to volunteer.
Second, stop spending money. Fucking dicks. Save up for a new laptop, iPod, and camera.
Third, write up a resume and recommendation letters.

Also, JUSTIN GO TO THE GYM YOU ASSHOLE.

This laptop I'm using is super fucking slow.


HAHA I haven't posted on this since like the start of summer.
When is my psychiatrist gonna call me ;________;

Hanging out with Shane's has become the highlight of my day tbh. And it's nice to hear that the feeling's mutual.


DOWNLOADING MUSIC FINALLY. Talib Kweli, The Talking Heads, Say Hi, Grimes, JJ FAD, the Killers, Black Light Dinner Party, Mos Def, Twin Shadow,Kisses, Mercy Playground, etc etc etc.

Isn't it fucking crazy how much music there is in the world? Think about it, you could spend YEARS just listening to music and you wouldn't even make a dent on all the music in the world. I also feel this way about books, movies, tv shows and this obviously stresses me out. I need to sleep...........

But before that, set up my bandsintown account again.

Gettin my groove back. Nineteen's an inbetween year, might as well use it to my advantage.

Hi

These three days off were much needed.
Summer smells like sex and candy.

Hiiiiii.

How was your day?

No school today

Apparently there's a Senior BBQ today. Contemplating on going. Ugh. Peeeeooooppplllleeeeee.

Anyway, I've been happy lately. Content would be a better word, but let's just go with happy. Things are actually beginning to look up.

I've been baking lately too. Cupcakes mostly, but I just popped in a brownie cake in the oven. Let's see how that turns out. I hope I don't fuck it up.

I hope I don't fuck any of this up.

Here's my face and my weird smile and my chinky eyes.
G'day.

"What do I tell him?"

Graduation's officially happening. And I feel like I should do this long reflective post about my ~feelings~ and shit but who am I kidding no one pays attention (HAY FRANNY!)

So this year's been pretty awesome. Missed roughly 3 months of school. Did a lot of drugs, which led to a drug dependency for awhile. So that was cool. Got depressed. Got over it. Uhm, straightened out my priorities. Kind of. Quit a job. Got a job. Made friends. Lost friends.

I dunno, it just seems so long ago that I was starting motherfucking Senior year. Now it's over. And apparently I'm on my own now. Which is fine. Just. Ugh. I'm gonna miss the familiarity. And how easy everything was.

Until later blog.
I'd post pictures but I'm too lazy for that.






------

P.S. "You go have fun. Fuck him. Do whatever you want. But you're mine."

The same mistakes

As graduation is nearing closer and closer, I feel as if I could honestly write about how I feel about all this. I tried describing it, but after writing and deleting over and over, I just can't. I wanna say I'm disillusioned, but what illusion was I under? I wanna say I'm lost, but what the fuck am I looking for? I wanna say I'm empty, but what the hell should I fill myself up with?


But isn't everyone going through this bullshit? Right?